Snack Quest
1: Crazy Laws
By Joseph A. Davis
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Hannah was very good at reading and somewhat good at snacking. Unfortunately, one day she found that combining the two could be a recipe for disaster.
Hannah was up in her room in “time-out”, through no fault of her own. It was her little brother Jimmy who had taken her toy Styracosaurus without asking. She had just done what any girl who was currently reading a book of wacky laws would do. According to her book, the penalty for horse theft in Florida was hanging. It seemed fair to her that the penalty for Styracosaurus theft should be something similar, but when she had tried to hang her little brother upside down by his feet, her mom had sent her upstairs and not given him any consequences at all.
This made Hannah so furious that when her mom brought her a snack platter of fruits and vegetables, she chewed angry-looking faces onto every single grape, celery stick, cherry tomato and carrot stick. But she stopped when she got to the apple. She loved apples, and so she couldn’t help but give this one a smile before setting it aside with the others and getting back to her book of wacky laws.
And that is where you come into the picture. You are Applehead, a delicious, crispy apple with a friendly expression chewed onto your peel. Until recently, that’s all you were. But after listening to Hannah read aloud for long enough – about fifteen minutes or so – you gradually started listening and learning. You can now understand human speech, you can talk, and you know quite a bit about crazy American laws, from the fact that in Connecticut, it is illegal to sell pickles that do not bounce to the fact that it is illegal to deliver a surprise pizza in Louisiana.
You enjoy listening to Hannah read so much that you stay and listen all the way through to the last chapter, which explains that most of these silly laws are never really enforced. Unfortunately, all the angry-looking little fruits and vegetables that shared the plate with you snuck off long before that, muttering about some evil plan. Now, as Hannah puts her book aside and opens a new one with dinosaurs on the cover, you wonder if you should tell her. After all, those other snacks did look quite mean, and whatever their plan is, you suspect it may mean serious trouble.
Should you …
Just listen to the next book?
Why interrupt Hannah when she’s on a roll? Anyway, this next book is about dinosaurs, and you can’t wait to learn about them.
The dinosaur book is a real treasure trove of amazing pictures and facts. For example, on a page about a long-necked dinosaur called Sauroposeidon, you learn that it was as tall as six grown elephants stacked on top of each other. A beautiful color illustration even shows how this would work. You marvel at the tower of live elephants stacked on each other’s backs, even if you feel a little bit bad for the one on the bottom. On the bright side, the whole book fits comfortably in Hannah’s hands, so as far as you can tell, the average elephant is only about one inch tall.
Hannah turns the page, and you learn about a kindly dinosaur named Tyrannosaurus Rex that was so tender-hearted that it didn’t eat any plants at all, only meat. As an apple, you decide that it would probably make the safest pet.
As Hannah reads her dinosaur book aloud, you are distracted now and then by some bothersome sounds from downstairs. A dog barks frantically, but then thankfully goes silent so you can continue learning about Stegosaurus’s spiky tail uninterrupted. A young boy screams, but after a minute or so, he goes silent as well. Hannah doesn’t seem to be bothered by any of this. She is completely absorbed in her book.
She only pauses when a woman’s voice calls up the stairs, saying, “Hannah! Come down here and clean up this mess right now! There are grapes and carrots everywhere!”
Hannah puts the book down on her chest with an exasperated sigh. “It wasn’t me, Mom!” she shouts. “I’ve been up here reading the whole time – it must have been Jimmy!”
The woman downstairs doesn’t reply, and Hannah returns to her reading.
After a few minutes, her alarm goes off, announcing that her “time out” is over. She puts her book down, picks up her plate with you on it and makes her way downstairs.
Unfortunately, it seems that all the evil snacks have used the time to prepare a trap, and you and Hannah are caught in a net and dragged into the living room. The rest of the family are already there, tied up and gagged as a wicked-looking celery stick forces them to watch him perform a comedy routine all about fruits and vegetables.
Unfortunately, his jokes are awful.
THE END
Tell Hannah?
“I don’t want to alarm you,” you begin. “But …”
“Please don’t interrupt me while I’m reading,” Hannah says without looking up from her book.
“Well, it’s a bit important, you see … or, at least, I think it might be.”
With a frustrated sigh, Hannah puts the book down on her chest and looks at you. Then she does a double-take. “Wait a minute,” she says. “Are you a talking apple?”
A brief conversation follows, in which Hannah names you Applehead and delightedly exclaims that she is going to read aloud to even more snacks and create an army.
“Well, that’s the thing,” you say. “You kind of already did.”
It’s only then that Hannah realizes that all the other fruits and vegetables – the ones she gave mean faces – are nowhere to be found.
“Oh no!” she says. “I’m sure making an army of evil snacks must be illegal in some state. We have to stop them before they do anything bad!”
She picks you up and hurries out of the room but stops at the top of the stairs and checks her wristwatch. “Oh, but I can’t!” she cries. “I’m supposed to be in time-out for the next ten minutes. If Mom sees me downstairs, I’m going to be in big trouble!”
Should you …
Offer to go down and take care of the evil snacks on your own?
Ask Hannah if there’s any way she can help you without going downstairs?
Take care of the evil snacks on your own?
How hard could it be to deal with a few little grapes and cherry tomatoes? you think. After all, you’re a big, strong apple. You should be able to round them up in no time and bring them back up to Hannah so that she can finish her snack.
You make your way downstairs. This turns out to be a terrifying experience, in which you quickly lose control, start rolling and bouncing and then end up lying against a wall at the bottom of the stairs, seeing stars.
Thankfully, some other talking fruits and vegetables come rushing to your aid and help you to get upright.
Unfortunately, as your vision clears, you see their angry-looking faces and recognize them as the evil snacks you were looking for. When they have you surrounded like this, they don’t seem quite as small and weak as you remembered them. Your mind races as you search for a way out of your predicament.
“Tell me, appley comrade,” a scowling carrot stick says. “Did that awful girl throw you down the stairs? Come, we’ll help you get back up there, and together we’ll take her prisoner!”
“Uh, well … Are you sure about that?” you say, stalling for time. “Haven’t you seen her? She’s huge – I think she might be over four feet tall!”
“Oh, that’s no problem!” the carrot stick says with a laugh. “We’ve made preparations.” He shows you a large net that the evil snacks seem to have woven together from pieces of string, strips of cloth, rubber bands and other things. You have to admit that it is a clever piece of work. And it certainly looks big enough to catch Hannah.
Should you …
Help the other snacks take Hannah prisoner?
Pretend to go along with their plan, and then help Hannah catch them?
Fight them?
You can’t let these creeps get their hands on your friend. If they catch her, who will read books to you then? So you throw yourself at the nearest celery stick, easily knocking it over.
Unfortunately, the rest of the fight is not as easy. Not only do the evil snacks have you outnumbered, they have also had plenty of time to create little weapons made out of toothpicks, bottlecaps, rubber bands and things.
“Ow!” you say as a grape pokes you in the side with a toothpick sword after a couple of cherry tomatoes have stuck you to the floor with duct tape. “I’m pretty sure poking a talking apple with a toothpick must be illegal in some state.”
“Oh yeah?” the grape says with a sneer. “Which one?”
“Well, um …” You think. “If you let me go, I can go check in Hannah’s book and let you know.”
“We’ll check ourselves,” the grape says. “After we catch Hannah and take all her books!” Then he pokes you with the toothpick again.
THE END
Help the other snacks catch Hannah?
Even though you don’t like the idea of betraying the girl who brought you to life, you feel that you have no choice. The evil snacks have you outnumbered and outgunned.
You agree to help them catch Hannah, and together you get to work tying some of the carrots and celery sticks together into a ladder. Using this ladder, you are able to make your way up the stairs, one step at a time. After reaching the top, you pull the ladder up after you, untie your vegetable-stick companions and then work together to heave the net upstairs.
You sneak into Hannah’s room and find her reading a book about a princess and a dragon. She is so engrossed in the book that catching her in the net is no trouble at all.
“Hey!” she says when she realizes she’s been caught. “Applehead, you were supposed to catch the evil snacks, not help them catch me!”
“Sorry,” you say sheepishly.
“If you were really sorry, you would let me go,” Hannah points out.
As you are about to respond, a couple of cherry tomatoes pull you into a huddle with the other snacks who are busy planning what to do with Hannah. After a few minutes, you’ve all agreed on a course of action.
“So, ummm, Hannah,” you say, turning back to your former friend. “I don’t suppose you’d mind reading aloud to us. To all of us, that is. Like, if we go out and gather more snacks so you can bring them all to life, creating an unstoppable army to take over the world.”
“Do I have a choice?” Hannah asks.
You discuss this with the other fruits and vegetables for a minute. “Well, ummm, no, not really,” you say at last.
Hannah heaves a great sigh. “Well, all right,” she says. “But can I at least choose the books?”
After another hurried discussion, you and your snacky companions agree.
Should Hannah choose to read …
A book of devotions for children?
A book on medieval warfare?
Once you and your companions have gathered all the fruits, vegetables, crackers and other snacks in the house, Hannah gets to work reading aloud from a book of medieval warfare. A couple of celery sticks hold the book and turn the pages for her as she reads.
The book turns out to be incredibly useful, and you and the growing army of living snacks are able to use the knowledge gained from it to make battle plans and clever little weapons. You are especially proud of your catapult, which you design and build out of popsicle sticks, a plastic spoon and a rubber band.
Once you have forced Hannah to bring enough snacks to life, you and the others are easily able to take over the world.
Of course, taking over the world is probably illegal in some state. Or at least, it would be – but now there are no more states, just one big country called Snacktopia, and you and your fellow snacks can make all the crazy laws you want. The very first thing the new snack government does is to pass a law making it illegal not to take over the world.
THE END
A book of devotions for children?
As you and your fellow snacks listen to Hannah read the book of devotions for children, something begins to happen. You find yourself feeling worse and worse about betraying your friend and helping the others catch her. You are not sure if betraying a friend and using her reading powers to take over the world with snacks is illegal in any state. But in your appley heart, you know that you’ve done wrong.
It seems that the other snacks are starting to think along similar lines, as their wicked scowls turn into expressions of sorrow and guilt.
But then Hannah reads a page about forgiveness, and by the end of it, the entire growing army of living snacks seems to have gone thoughtful. Finally, a little grape timidly suggests untying Hannah and letting her go. The others quickly agree, and you all get to work untying the girl, asking her for forgiveness as you go.
At first, she does not seem eager to forgive. After all, tying her up and using her to create an army of living snacks was a very bad thing to do. But then there is a knock on the door, and you all scurry to hide under the bed.
It is Hannah’s little brother, who comes in to say sorry for taking his sister’s Styracosaurus without asking.
After some hesitation, she accepts his apology and forgives him. “Just ask me next time you want to borrow it,” she says.
He agrees and wanders off to go play.
Once he is gone, Hannah heaves a great sigh. “All right, I guess I can forgive all of you, too,” she says.
A loud cheer goes up among the living snacks.
“And we promise,” says a celery stick, “next time, before we tie you up and force you to make an army of living snacks to take over the world, we’ll make sure to ask you first.”
THE END
Pretend to go along with their plan and help Hannah catch them?
“Oh yes,” you say. “Just what I was thinking. Let’s go up there and catch that girl! In fact, I have the perfect plan for doing it.”
The other fruits and vegetables listen eagerly as you explain your plan for catching Hannah. But by the time you have finished, a few of them are frowning thoughtfully, and one little cherry tomato even tries to argue with you. But you point out that you’re the one who spent the most time listening to her read, and so you know more about her than any of them.
“Doesn’t that just mean that you know more about crazy laws?” the cherry tomato argues.
“Look,” you say, “do you all want to stand here arguing all day, or do you want to get to work catching Hannah?”
The other snacks hastily agree to get started with your plan. First you need to make a ladder to get back up the stairs. And it is only logical that you make this ladder out of the biggest, strongest celery sticks and carrot sticks, tying them up tightly so that they will hold together all the way up.
Once you all get up to the top of the stairs and drag the net up after you, you hold the net open so that the others can get inside.
“It will be the perfect trap,” you assure them. “Since Hannah loves snacks, she’ll climb right into the net to try to eat you all. And then we’ve got her!”
“Shouldn’t we at least untie the celery sticks and carrots first?” the little cherry tomato objects. “After all, they’re the strongest ones, and we don’t need the ladder anymore.”
“You never know when you’ll need a ladder,” you say hurriedly. “Anyway, would you rather argue with me or catch Hannah? Now get in the net!”
The other snacks quickly get in the net, but when your turn comes, instead of climbing inside, you tie it off, trapping them!
“Oh Hannah!” you call into the bedroom. “I think it’s time for you to come finish your snack!”
THE END
Ask Hannah if there’s any way she can help you?
Hannah considers your request. “Well,” she says after a moment, “maybe I could make you some little weapons or something, if I can find the right kind of stuff to make them out of.”
“What kind of stuff?” you ask.
“You know,” she says, “the kind of stuff that’s good for making things. Like tinfoil, duct tape and popsicle sticks. Usually I would get it all from the kitchen. But I’m not allowed to go down there until my time-out is over.”
“Oh,” you say. A sudden crunching noise draws your attention, and you turn to see a large, floppy-looking gray creature in a cage, chewing on the remains of a celery stick.
“What on earth is that awful beast?” you cry, horrified.
Hannah turns to follow your gaze. “Who, Napoleon?” she says. “He’s just my pet rabbit.”
You recognize the word “rabbit” from a wacky law about taking pictures of them. But you never imagined they would be so terrifying in person. “Does he do that to apples?” you ask, nodding toward the carnage as Napoleon finishes off the celery stick.
“Sure, if I slice one up and give him a little piece,” Hannah says cheerfully. Then, seeing how you are shaking, she hastily adds, “But I’ve never seen him eat a whole apple, and I’m not supposed to give him too much sugar, anyway. He mostly just eats vegetables. Lettuce, celery, sometimes tomatoes … Oh,” she suddenly says, approaching a bookshelf next to the rabbit’s cage. “I don’t think I need this lunar lander anymore.” She pulls something like a large, gleaming metal spider down from the shelf and shows you. To your relief, it does not move.
“I could take it apart,” she goes on. “There should be enough tinfoil, popsicle sticks and tape here to make you a little suit of armor and a sword.”
You consider. Armor and a sword could give you an advantage in a fight against the other snacks. But then your gaze returns to Napoleon the rabbit, who has just started chewing on a cherry tomato, and another plan begins to form in your head. A dangerous plan, but perhaps an effective one. It is either genius or pure madness.
Should you …
Let Hannah make you a suit of armor?
Suggest that she make a saddle for Napoleon instead?
Let Hannah make you a suit of armor?
It turns out that Hannah is good at more than just reading. After a few minutes of careful work, she has made you a little suit of tinfoil plate armor, several layers thick, with a helmet and everything. But the true masterpiece is your sword, made from a popsicle stick that Hannah quickly sharpens and colors gray with a magic marker. It is such a thing of beauty that she herself seems deeply moved as she turns it back and forth between her fingers.
“You know,” she says, “we should really give your sword a name.”
“A name?” you say.
“Yes, like Excalibur or something,” she says. “Back in the olden days, important swords had names.”
You consider. Excalibur, or Something? “Well,” you say after a moment, “if my choices are Excalibur or Something, I think I’ll go with Something. It’s easier to pronounce, and easier to remember.”
Hannah seems to find this very funny for some reason you don’t understand. Giggling with glee, she writes the word “Something” on the sword, before tapping you gently with the flat of the blade. “I hereby dub you Sir Applehead,” she says, “wielder of the mighty blade Something.”
You accept your sword gravely and turn toward the stairs. They are soft, covered with a thick blue carpet. But it is a very long way down.
Should you …
Hurry down the stairs?
Since the stairs are soft and you’re covered in armor, you figure you can just roll down them as quickly as possible and see what happens. After all, you need to get downstairs and stop the evil snacks before they manage to do something truly wicked. So you hobble over to the edge of the top step and throw yourself down.
This decision leads to instant regret. The world seems to spin and jolt crazily as you bounce down the stairs, completely unable to steer yourself. You squeeze your eyes shut and hope it will end soon.
It does. Soon enough, you are lying in a dizzy and battered heap at the bottom of the stairs. You blink several times, try to right yourself, and then fall over onto your back again. At least you still have your armor, even if you did lose your helmet somewhere along the way. Unfortunately, you have also lost your sword.
“That was an impressive bit of bouncing,” a small, grape-like voice says.
You look up and see that the speaker is indeed a small, evil-looking grape, approaching you with a wicked scowl on his face.
“Yes, you really bounced,” the grape continues. “So tell me, O Bouncer – are you a true pickle?”
As you try to figure out what the grape’s question means, you notice that he is not alone. More grapes, a small crowd of cherry tomatoes, a couple of carrot sticks and a celery stick have come over to join him. You are outnumbered and surrounded – and the celery stick is holding your sword Something.
Should you …
Answer that you are a true pickle?
Answer that you are an apple?
“No,” you say, “I’m actually an apple.”
“You’d better be telling the truth,” the celery stick holding your sword replies. “Because we’re about to tie up the human family who live here and turn them all into snacks by pickling them. And if you’re a pickle already, that means you can’t be trusted?”
“Why not?” you say.
“Obviously, you’d be on their side,” the grape points out.
You don’t know which horrifies you more – the thought of these evil snacks turning your sweet friend Hannah into a pickle, or the thought of what they might do to you if they think you already are one.
“I assure you,” you say, “you might not recognize me with all this armor on, but I’m actually the same apple that was on the snack platter with you a few minutes ago.”
“That apple was a grinning fool!” a cherry tomato says.
Should you …
Ignore the insult?
You choose not to say anything back. What good would it do? What good do mean words ever do?
Meanwhile, the little grape who first approached you is narrowing his eyes at you suspiciously. “If you’re an apple and not a pickle,” he says, “then why were you bouncing?”
“Why wouldn’t an apple bounce?” you reply, slowly trying to get upright again as your dizziness gradually wears off.
“Because the book of laws said that true pickles are supposed to bounce,” the grape said. “So if you bounce, that means you’re supposed to be a true pickle.”
“But there are lots of things that bounce without being true pickles,” you point out.
“Oh yeah? Like what?” the grape says.
“Well, ummm …” You think about it, but since you have only been alive for a few minutes, you haven’t actually seen too many things bounce. But suddenly, you get an idea.
Should you …
Climb back up the stairs and bounce down again to prove your point?
Insult him back?
“At least I’m not an ugly little scowling cherry tomato,” you say.
As a small crowd of angry-looking cherry tomatoes crowd in on you, you realize that you’ve made a big mistake.
“You know what?” the first cherry tomato says. “We found a jar of pickles that was almost empty in the kitchen. There were only a few pickles left, but plenty of brine. Maybe we can make a true pickle out of this apple. Or at least, some truly pickled apple slices.”
The big celery stick laughs in agreement as he takes a step toward you, wielding your mighty sword Something.
I really should think before I speak, you think as he raises it to strike.
THE END
Climb back up the stairs and bounce down again?
“I’ll prove that things other than pickles bounce,” you say. “Just watch me – I, who am clearly an apple, will climb back up the stairs and bounce down again. And that will prove it.”
“What will it prove?” says the grape. “That you don’t bounce?”
“No, that I’m a bouncing apple,” you say. “Not a bouncing pickle.”
The other snacks, eager to see your proof, help you to right yourself, and you get to work climbing the stairs. It is a difficult journey, but at last you manage to get back to the top, and then you throw yourself down again.
This time, the bouncing is even worse than before. You can feel your appley flesh bruising, even through your armor, and when you at last slam into the wall at the bottom of the stairs, you are knocked senseless.
As your vision slowly clears, you gradually become aware of the little grape standing over you. “I told you all he was a pickle,” he says. “And now you’ve seen it for yourselves – he bounced. So let’s put him in the pickle jar so he can’t cause any mischief while we capture the girl and her family.”
“He’s too big to fit in the pickle jar,” a large celery stick argues. “We’re going to have to slice him up first.” As he says this, he approaches you, wielding your mighty sword Something.
THE END
Challenge the other fruits and vegetables to throw themselves down the stairs?
“I can prove that I’m not a pickle,” you say, righting yourself. “We just need to do a simple experiment.”
“Oh yeah, what kind of experiment?” the grape says suspiciously.
“Well, first of all,” you say, “would you all agree that none of you are pickles?”
The evil snacks all look at each other suspiciously. But after a brief bit of arguing, they all agree that none of them are pickles.
“Good, that’s the first step,” you say. “And now, the second step. I can prove that all of you bounce. If you all just climb up to the top of the stairs and throw yourselves down like I did, you’ll see that every single one of you bounces.”
“It’s a pretty long climb,” the celery stick holding your sword complains.
“I can hold onto that sword while you do it,” you offer.
He gratefully hands you your sword Something and then leads the others in climbing up the stairs. You remain at the bottom, saying that someone needs to judge whether the others bounce or not.
“Now make sure that none of you cheats by getting a head start,” you call up the stairs as they make the climb. “You all have to throw yourselves down at the same time!”
At last all the evil fruits and vegetables have made it all the way to the top step, where they stand waiting for your signal.
“Now before you jump,” you say, “I just want to double-check – you all want to turn Hannah and her family into pickles?”
The whole crowd of evil snacks agree. “We’ve already started turning the bath tub into a pickling vat for them,” the celery stick who was previously holding your sword says.
“Could any of you be persuaded to change your minds?” you ask.
“Never!” they all shout proudly.
“All right then,” you say. “Ready, set, jump!”
All at once, the evil snacks throw themselves downstairs. It turns out that some of them bounce better than others. But they do all make it to the bottom of the stairs, where they lie in a bruised and dizzied heap.
“You all bounced,” you tell them as they lie there groaning.
“Even me?” the grape who insulted you earlier says. “But I ain’t no pickle! Honest, I ain’t!”
“Maybe not,” you say. “But you are an evil snack, planning on making a pickle out of my friend Hannah, the girl who brought you to life. So I have to help her do what she should have done from the beginning.”
With that said, you raise your mighty sword Something and get to work making the evil snacks more bite-sized.
A few minutes later, Hannah’s time-out is finally over, and she comes down to find her unfinished snack waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. Normally, she wouldn’t eat things she found on the floor, but you convince her to just rinse all the evil fruits and vegetables off and put them on a new plate.
As she is enjoying her snack, her little brother comes over to apologize for taking her toy Styracosaurus earlier.
“It’s okay,” Hannah says. “Just make sure you ask me first next time.” And then, to show that there’s no hard feelings between them, she shares her delicious snack with him.
THE END
Answer that you are a true pickle?
Since you are outnumbered and surrounded, you decide that it would be safest to play along.
“Yes,” you say, “I am a true pickle.”
“I thought so,” the cherry tomato says with a wicked smile. “You see, it said in that book of laws that a true pickle will bounce – otherwise, it can’t properly be called a true pickle. And since you bounced when you came down the stairs, well, that’s proof that you’re a true pickle, isn’t it?”
“Your logic is flawless,” you agree.
“All right everyone, get him!” the cherry tomato shouts.
And suddenly you find yourself getting grabbed and dragged away by the whole little crowd of evil fruits and vegetables. “What are you going to do to me?” you cry.
“Well you see,” a grape says, “we’ve got to put you back in the pickle jar, don’t we?”
“But I don’t want to be in the pickle jar!” you protest, struggling. You are unable to break free.
“Too bad,” says the grape. “The thing is, there’s a human family living in this house – that girl who was reading upstairs, and her little brother and their parents. And we’re going to turn them into snacks by pickling them in the bathtub. So you being a pickle means that you’re on their side – so we can’t take any risks. We have to lock you up in the pickle jar.”
At this point, they have dragged you all the way into the kitchen. You see the pickle jar sitting up on the counter top. “But I won’t fit in there,” you point out, relieved. “I’m too big.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” the celery stick who took your sword says, approaching you. “We’ll just make slices of you first.”
THE END
Take your time going down the stairs?
Safety first, you think as you look down the length of the stairs. You wouldn’t want to trip and hurt yourself. And anyway, you’ve got time, you keep telling yourself as you very slowly make your way down, one step at time. How much trouble could those little evil snacks actually cause in the few minutes that it takes you to get downstairs?
Quite a bit, it turns out, as you arrive downstairs five minutes later and survey the scene. Three humans who you can only assume are Hannah’s little brother, her mom and her dad are lying on the living room floor, tied up with ropes that seem to be made out of rubber bands, bits of string and random pieces of cloth. They are also gagged, so as the little army of evil snacks walk around sprinkling salt on them, their protests just come out as a bunch of muffled “mmmf, mmmf!”s and the occasional “mmf-mmf-mff!”
“What on earth are you doing?” you ask a passing cherry tomato who is on his way toward the little brother with a pinch of salt.
“Oh, getting the pickles ready,” he says.
“Pickles?” you say. “But those aren’t pickles, they’re humans!”
“They’re not pickles yet,” he corrects you. “But after we salt them and then soak them in a bath tub full of vinegar for long enough, then they will be. Which will technically make them snacks. So we can eat them.” He gives you a strange look. “Weren’t you listening when we went through the plan? And anyway, why are you dressed in all that shiny stuff, and what’s with that poky thing you’re carrying?”
Should you …
Fight the evil snacks to make them let Hannah’s family go?
Try to trick them by challenging them to do a bounce test on the humans?
Fight the evil snacks?
You raise your mighty sword Something, and with a loud battle cry you start swinging at the enemy.
This works quite well at first. The evil grapes and cherry tomatoes you hack at are no match for Something’s gray-colored wooden blade, and so they re quickly reduced to even more bite-sized snacks.
Unfortunately, there are just too many of the evil fruits and vegetables, and they have had plenty of time to develop weapons of their own. A carrot stick fires toothpicks at you with a little bow and arrow made out of a paper clip and a rubber band. A few of the deadly arrows bounce off your tinfoil armor and you are able to block another one with your sword, but while you are distracted, a hulking celery stick whacks you in the head with a spoon. The blow is so hard that it sends your helmet flying off and knocks you senseless.
When you wake up again, you find that you are tied up along with the humans, and that the evil snacks are pouring salt on you as they prepare to turn you into a pickle. You can’t help but wonder if pickled apple actually tastes any good.
THE END
Trick them by challenging them to do a bounce test?
“Wait!” you cry, and all the evil snacks stop what they’re doing and turn to look at you.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t that goody no-shoes apple from the snack platter!” a large carrot stick says. “Why should we listen to you?”
“Because you’re about to break the law by producing substandard pickles!” you say. “Don’t you remember listening to the book of laws that Hannah read? A true pickle must be able to bounce! But I’ll bet you haven’t even tested these humans to see if they can bounce, have you?”
The carrot’s evil-looking eyes narrow. “What exactly are you proposing?” he says.
“I say we test them before pickling them,” you say. “For quality control.” And you explain your method for testing if the humans bounce.
Reluctantly, the evil fruits and vegetables agree to your plan. After all, they don’t want to be fined for breaking the law by making non-bouncing pickles. The first step is to get the humans up to the top of the stairs so they can try to bounce down. This seems like a lot of work, but you point out that if they loosen the ropes around the humans’ feet a bit, they can walk up there themselves.
As the evil fruits and vegetables get to work loosening the ropes, you approach the little brother’s head.
“Are you tampering with our snacks?” a cherry tomato accuses.
“No, not at all,” you say. “It’s just that someone needs to go up there with them to make sure that they bounce back down properly. Since the easiest way to get up is to ride one of them, I need to find which one is most suitable for riding.”
The evil snacks accept this explanation, and you take the opportunity to whisper in each human’s ear and explain your plan.
Soon you are on your way up the stairs, riding on the dad’s shoulder. All three humans reach the top, and you turn to see a crowd of evil fruits and vegetables waiting eagerly at the bottom.
“Hannah!” you call. “Come untie your family! Quick!”
Hannah emerges from her room, carrying a book that she must have been reading while she waited. She looks shocked to see her brother and her parents tied up and gagged, and she is just about to remove the gag from her little brother when she hesitates.
“He did take my Styracosaurus without asking,” she points out. But then she looks down at the book in her hand – a book of devotions for children – and sighs. “But,” she says, “I guess I can forgive him. Just make sure to ask me next time you want to borrow my Styracosaurus.”
Her little brother nods, and Hannah quickly gets to work untying her family. Soon they are completely free and ready for the next stage of the plan.
The evil fruits and vegetables, realizing that something has gone terribly wrong, are on their way up the stairs to recapture the humans. Since they climb at different speeds, they are scattered all up and down the staircase. Which makes them easy pickings as the gigantic humans make their way down to help Hannah finish her snack, one evil fruit or vegetable at a time.
THE END
Suggest that she make a saddle for Napoleon instead?
You take a deep breath and gather your courage. “Actually,” you say, “I think I might have an even better plan.” You nod toward the floppy gray monstrosity who is currently finishing off the cherry tomato. “Do you think you could make a saddle for him?” you ask.
Hannah considers for a long moment, then nods and gets to work.
One minute later, Hannah is securing you onto the back of the rabbit, who is now half-covered in tinfoil. Things start off well enough as she holds her pet with one hand and uses the other to strap you into the saddle with a piece of duct tape. “Remember,” Hannah says as she lifts you and the rabbit out of the cage and puts you down on the floor, “just pull on the reins to steer. Right to go right and left to go left. Both at once to make him stop. And don’t forget your lance,” she adds, sticking a sharpened popsicle stick into a pocket on the tinfoil saddle.
Then Hannah lets go, and that’s when everything goes off the rails.
At once the rabbit is off like a shot, bounding across the floor in great leaps that make you feel like you are going to be sent flying. Thankfully, Hannah’s duct taping holds true, and you stick to the monster’s back. Unfortunately, this means that the nightmare continues as the great floppy beast leaps out of the room and comes to rest at the top of the staircase. For a moment, he pauses there, and you stare down at the seemingly endless fall before you. But surely Napoleon wouldn’t just jump, would he?
“Napoleon, no!” you cry as the creature’s feet leave the ground. Your stomach lurches and everything seems to move in slow motion as you and your new steed are propelled into the air above the terrifying drop of the staircase. You squeeze your eyes shut as you are jolted up and down several times. Then, all of a sudden, the jolting stops.
You open your eyes to find yourself at the bottom of the staircase, still on the rabbit’s back. You survived! Unfortunately, you are surrounded by wicked-looking fruits and vegetables. You pull at the reins to keep Napoleon from hopping any closer to them.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to have you executed,” a large celery stick says.
“Oh?” you say. “And why is that?”
“Your pig,” the celery stick says, nodding toward the rabbit that you are riding. “We heard you call it Napoleon. There’s a law against that in France. It was mentioned in the book.”
Sounds of muttered agreement come from the crowd of evil snacks.
Should you …
Tell Napoleon to eat them all?
Argue about the law?
“Well, first of all, Napoleon here is not a pig,” you point out.
The celery stick does not seem to be impressed with your argument. “That is clearly a pig,” he says stubbornly.
You look at Napoleon, who is still a rabbit, then back at the celery stick. “You all missed the page about the rabbit,” you realize. “When Hannah read the law about needing a permit to take a picture of a rabbit between January and April, you didn’t see it. So you don’t know what a rabbit is.”
“Ah, but we saw the page about calling a pig Napoleon,” the celery stick says. “And the animal it showed was clearly just like the one you’re riding – four legs, floppy ears, fat body, little tail …”
Napoleon seems not to appreciate the comment about “fat body”, and you have to pull hard on the reins.
Suddenly, you get an idea. “Sorry,” you say, “could you remind me – what kind of animal did you say Napoleon is?”
“A pig,” the celery stick says firmly.
“And you all agree with him?” you say, turning to the rest of the evil-looking snacks.
Shouts of agreement are heard from the crowd.
“So you all just called Napoleon a pig,” you say. “But isn’t that pretty much the same thing as calling a pig Napoleon?”
A great gasp goes up among the crowd. Several of the fruits and vegetables turn visibly paler.
“Anyway,” you say, “since you all see that nobody’s perfect, everyone messes up sometimes and we are all equally guilty, why not just forgive each other, forgive me and give up whatever evil plan you’re working on – what evil plan is that, by the way?”
“We’re going to pickle the humans,” a little cherry tomato answers. “So we can eat them.”
“A plan that’s worth giving up,” you say, “since you’ve all just shown that you deserve a death sentence. What do you say? Shall we choose forgiveness and peace?”
The evil snacks all seem to consider for a second. But after a moment, they decide against it. “The guilty must be punished,” a large carrot stick says, and the others agree.
You urge Napoleon to jump out of the way as the wicked fruits and vegetables make short work of each other. Within minutes, the threat of the evil snacks is over. And Napoleon is more than happy to help clean up the leftover scraps.
THE END
Tell Napoleon to eat them all?
Your steed doesn’t seem to need much urging. As soon as you let go of the reins, he begins to feast. A few of the evil fruits and vegetables try to run, but Napoleon is easily able to catch up with them, knock them down and eat them. Others try to stand their ground or attack, but that turns out to be an even worse strategy since it just helps him to eat them faster.
All in all, it seems like it is a pretty bad day to be an evil snack trying to do whatever they were trying to do, but a pretty good day to be a rabbit named Napoleon. Except it seems like maybe the grapes were a bit too sweet for him, because after he finishes eating, he gets a mild case of indigestion.
THE END
Trolyrien 